The weddings are finally over. But the wedding dreams are back. Last night I got engaged to my ex. He’s been in my dreams lately. For some, maybe sentimental reasons I didn’t want to wake up. I was happy like I was when I was in love with him.
Back in reality, there are men coming in my life. But I made a pact to myself, learning from my mistakes of last year. The pact that I can’t believe it, and that I won’t. Because in the end it’ll probably all be just a big joke in the end (once again). I refuse to keep putting my heart through these moments of hope.
No more men trying to use me to get to my friends. No more men looking for one night stands. No more men putting me in the sidelines. No more cheating men. No more jokes on my heart.
Maybe these dreams are teasing me of a love I can’t have anymore. I mean I don’t love him anymore, but I miss that love. That kind of love where you fall over and over again.
The: tingles to my toes, smiles to my ears, hazy eyed, heart racing, let’s stay this way forever kind of love.
I want THAT…
But dreams and reality are conspiring in rubbing it in my face.
So my birthday and celebration is this weekend. Is it bad or bratty that I’ll probably be the only one at my own party without a date? It’s not like I’m interested in anyone at the moment. Honestly, it never crossed my mind. Up until everyone started asking to bring a date that I started feeling lonely.
I really hope this next year is filled with better self love. I wanna go back to when my love was my career. Juicy. Last year was full of guys who ended up as a big joke. I guess I can’t get too upset, even though they’ll all be paired up, everyones coming to celebrate with me. I’ll eventually get over it. It Just sucks I’ll be dateless at my own party.
Everyday this week I’ve been dreamin that I’m gettin married. Either I’m stressed there’s so many weddings this year. Or maybe it’s a sign? Hmm….
So I know I’ve been MIA, but thats okay. After all the crazy events of 2011, I am determined to start the year off with getting things right with myself.
For the first time in my 27 years, i have finally slowed down from being the chaotic, dramatic, boy-crazy girl that I have been. I, for one mainly thank the anti-Viagra (depo-provera) for slowing my girly hormones down. It’s pretty silly actually, it’s main purpose has done the reverse for me. Now that I’m on it, I don’t want it.
And that’s a good thing because now that all my friends are getting married and having babies i dont want to be depressed about it. For example, Ive seen lots happy couples lately, I just automatically zone them out. I’ve come to the conclusion that theres no sense in worrying or envying others relationship. All you can ever really do is make yourself jealous of yourself.
Yeah I know that sounds a little vain but it’s a mantra I came up with. To help with not being affected by the things I don’t have :( boyfriend, fiancée, husband, baby). Is To start concentrating on what I do have ( my health, singleness, freedom, beauty, confidence).
Maybe this new mantra of mine will help me to achieve everything I was really afraid of. Been so focused on finding love, that it just fucked me over in the end. It lead me to everything I didnt want: the assholes.
New year, new me. if the world ends I’ll be able to die peacefully knowing that the worlds most important person was happy: me,
“Eleven Hints for Life”
- It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
- A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.
- The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.
- It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
- It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
- Don’t go for looks, they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
- Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
- Always put yourself in the other’s shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
- A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless.
- The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
- Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
In the midst of my crazy love life, I’ve been hearing the sounds of church bells and the wedding march in my head these past 2 weeks. Its not like I am some crazy person… but sometimes i would just be sitting somewhere and the wedding song would pop up. Kind of like those songs that get stuck in your head that you wish you can think of any other song so that you can hear something differently? Not only that.. i have been having dreams of people i love getting married. Now.. im not saying that this is a sign for any kind of wedding for me in the near future. Believe me, Im sooo… far from wanting to walk down an aisle.
However, it makes me hopeful and feel that someone close to me will be getting married. (Besides the ones that are already engaged. Which is like 2 of my friends). *Crosses fingers* but i hope it might be one of my favorite cousins. For whatever the reason why i have these wedding signs, it makes me hopeful that love could be waiting around the corner for me.